Stuck

I am 10 years old all over again.
In a classroom, with a cubby where I put my cold cuts
The air is dozy
The floors are tinted orange, speckled brown
It reminds me of dirt and of earth
and how I belong
but alas there are walls
and children
who look just like me
and we are trapped in this microcosm of space
and I feel like I cannot breathe.
My friends whom I love and hold dear to my heart
are the very same people who are tearing me apart
I need them as much as they need me
But nothing about this is real
not the dirt or the earth that I long for
just outside these 4 walls.
so I reach out my hand, squeezing closed my eyes
and dream of the day I can go outside
and dance in the mud with the rain coming down
and see that even here, in this classroom, with the brown speckled floors
that all of this was for something,
that it grew into something more…

but today
I do not know what for.