Choosing to Trust

“May my mind come alive today
to the invisible geography
that invites me to new frontiers
to break the dead shell of yesterdays
to risk being disturbed and changed.
May I have the courage today
to live that life that I would love.
To postpone my dream no longer
but do, at last, what I came here for
and waste my heart on fear no more”. – John O’Donohue

Unlike many people this past year, I have not only had the privilege of maintaining work, but the ridiculous privilege of being offered three jobs at once. My manager kindly stroked my ego, sharing with me she doesn’t want to lose me and would make any job that I decided on work around my life and studies. Maybe it was her graciousness and adoration of me that went straight to my head and made me incapable of actually making a decision. Or maybe it was both falling in love with my co-workers at two of the sites yet burning with desire to try something new. Whatever it was, I found myself not only incapable of making a decision, but actually making multiple decisions. In the end, I went to my manager on seven different occasions to let her know I had changed my mind, again. It all came to a head this past weekend, after finding myself in tears, realizing no matter how I cut it, I would be losing two opportunities. And so I became paralysed, not knowing which decision was best for me while trying to hold onto what was both old and comfortable and new and challenging. My lack of decisiveness was not only impacting me but everyone around me. I had pulled everyone into my changing mind and changing decisions: my partner, my co-workers, my managers and even the CEO.

I couldn’t help but remember the last time I had to choose between three things. I was in grade four and I had found myself being pulled between three friend groups. I tried to balance it, rotating recess breaks and lunch periods to see them all equally. Two of my friend groups understood what I was trying to do but the one I was with since preschool became possessive of me and despised me every time I didn’t choose them. This fear of their feelings eventually left me paralysed and, instead of spending time with any of the groups, I found myself eating my lunch in the washroom, alone and afraid.

And so I’ve come to understand there is no right decision. One way or another I am going to hurt someone… and I can’t very well hide in the washroom and avoid making a decision. All I can do is trust no matter the decision I make, it is up to me to make it right. To trust that something bigger than me is holding me, grieving with me and that this ‘something bigger’ is the same ‘something’ holding all those I love and will be leaving.

Life is complicated. There is no right or wrong way: sometimes you’re given a third option. And, if we’re lucky, we might have to let go of good situations and good people so we might know ourselves a little better, so we might feel a little closer to something bigger than ourselves, and so we might know the one who holds the cosmos also lives in places and people unknown.

So I continue to follow the flow, being led deeper into the mystery of the breath of life,
the inhale and the exhale,
the taking in and the letting go,
the ebb and the flow,
trusting
“all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well”. – Julian of Norwich